I blamed myself."Calvin, I know why I do what I do. I'm not sick. I don't lose control. I don't have multiple personalities. Sometimes I have to force myself to become your little girl. I do it to punish myself." But why mommy, why?" My sniffles and whimpers continued. Maybe I still was just a boy."Because I'm evil, and I hated you."I could have been shot with a gun. My tears abandoned me and I was suddenly, terribly concerned for my life. I stepped back."But you're my mommy. You have to love me." No Calvin, I don't. Not even the Bible says a mother has to love her son." She could see me backing away, but she didn't get up from her knees."Then, maybe you're not evil." I reached for a child's logic once more."I never wanted to hurt you Calvin, I wanted to ruin your life. I wanted to turn you into a sexually repressed, walking ghost of a man. That's why I pretended to be your daughter. That's why I'd take off my clothes and later shame you for masturbating. I wanted to turn you into. ” Allyson was stunned by this confession, and just stared at her. Not knowing what to say glanced around the room, relieved to see that there was no one within earshot. She kept quiet for a few minutes, not knowing how to reply. Diane went on to say something, but Allyson shushed her whispering, “This is not to place to speak of these things.” “Why did he have to be so mean to you?” “I told you this is not the place to talk about what happened,” she said rather angrily. “If you must know come with me.” And at that she got up and after paying the bill, left the cafe with Diane following her. Diane was sorry for what she’d said, she hadn’t meant to be critical. She just wanted her friend to know she would be there for her, that she could be trusted to keep her secret. Allyson didn’t live far from where they were, just a short ride on the tube. Less than half an hour later, they were in her house. Nothing was said in the meantime, once inside Allyson hung up their coats, and then.
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